Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.

Fails drug test.

Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.

When you’ve simply given up.

having children is a pyramid scheme.

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

[1st date]

date: you have any hobbies?

me: i collect old comics

date: oh like first editions?

me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

Imma just leave this here…………

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

logging onto twitter…

News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.

But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas

Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me

“snitches get stitches”

Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM