@BrainFumbles

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

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@cdpeck

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

@rockymomax

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

@IjeomaOluo

Me: What are you going to be for Halloween?

10yr old: Guess! I got an earpiece, mirrored glasses and a fedora.

Me:….A…..douchebag??

10yr old: No, a spy! What’s a douchebag?

@TylerLinkin

My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.

@FreshTerritory

You guys are even more beautiful now that I’m wearing my “wine glasses”.

@AliKolbert

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

@BoomBoomBetty

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

@usermcuserface

No I don’t want to go camping. I go to a dead end job 40+ hours a week just so I don’t have to sleep outside.

@internetluke

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?