Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.

She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.

Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.

3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game

I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

*speed dating*

So which of my teeth is your favorite?

Me: (singing along with the car radio)

Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?

Me: No, why?

Friend: So you don’t have to.

My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.

ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible

Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ☹️

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad

Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly

How to tell if your kid is doing drugs

1. Are your drugs missing?

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.

LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus:

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

There’s safety in numbers.

CDC: Uh, no.