Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.

“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”

–Pluto, the former planet

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?

This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.

A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.

I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

[on a plane]

Captain: I have bad news

Passengers: *gasp*

Captain: the middle class is dying

Passengers: oh, that’s true

Captain: first class might survive

Passengers: what

Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…

Now what do I do?

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.