Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs

skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never

Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.

my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree

Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.

you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

My doctor says I should try running with scissors.

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.

Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.

In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.

I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

Rich people don’t understand cereal

It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.

“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”

Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun

Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider: