Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
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The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?