Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉

#nofilter

” I need you ”

– Me in the toilet roll aisle

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’

-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana

Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..

That’s adulthood….

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”

Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries

Cable guy:

I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.

Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?

The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.

I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.