Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
You Might Also Like
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
can’t believe I got front row seats
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.