Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate

Remember that it’s “i before e” …

Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd

17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

That 👊

Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

[before animals were invented]

plants: this is nice

I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.

Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.

live long and prosper!

When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

Teamwork makes the dream work.

*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.

Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures