Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
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Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
my proudest tweet
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me