Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
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Brands during Pride
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Wife just looked at an 8″x8″ picture and estimated it to be 12″x12″.
Perhaps you can see why I consider this a good thing.
GUY #1: You free next week?
GUY #2: Let me just check my dairy.
GUY #1: You mean diary yeah?
*cow walks by with “dentist 11.30” on it*
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.