Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

Dracula: *transforms into a bat*

Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula: *tiny voice* yes

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.

To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.

California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring

No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”