Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

[Creation]

God: “Give them hair up their nose”

Angel: “Hair? But why?”

God: “To catch their snot”

Angel: “Snot?”

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.

bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows

Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.

Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.

I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.

When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.

*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*

ME: Hon, wtf?

HER: push up bra

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…

Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.

Discuss.

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am

[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here