Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
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“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP