Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news

wife: [crying]

me: that’s a spicy meatball

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”

Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”

“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon

“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game

me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.

“Have kids,” they said.

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

My soul is possessed by fried chicken.

Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?

Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time

*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.

After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*

Traffic stop

Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car

Me: it was like that when I bought it

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent

A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.

Best,

Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations