Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict

June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

This made me smile…

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit

My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.

Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”

Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”

Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.

What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.

My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm