COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
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ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit