Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.

Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.

Tell me you get it…🤣

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.

Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Me: *puts naked Barbie away.

‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!

Her:Freak!

Me:Did you feel–anything?

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…

and he says, “prolly.”

Me: Go get everyone for dinner please

6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!

Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice

Me:

6: The screaming

Me: I got it

Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.