Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!

Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol

ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”

ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:

Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show

8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker

Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.

found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time

Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”

It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.

People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work

Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.

it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”

Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”

a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!

They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.