Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

Tree: Bark

Dog: {leaves}

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”

– my best friend and the whitest man I know

we’re dead?

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check

[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]

My Son: Where’s his lawyer?

Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.

My Son: *heavy sigh*

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

CRYING

Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.

My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights

Me: *on the computer*

9-year-old: What are you doing?

Me: Registering you for school.

9: I thought we were friends.

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

My Favorite Chops:

1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.