Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.

Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!

Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?

Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

i want enemies

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?

When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

him: you’re not like other girls

me, at the urinal next to him: how

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

Always leave the cult better than you found it.

Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.

Intelligence is the new cleavage