Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard

I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.

Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.

God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.

Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!

God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.

Angel: Never mind, go ahead.

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…

….vocabulary.

The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled

If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions

PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.

My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”

Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.

Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work

Good news: I set an all time high today!

Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.

Me trying to look natural in photos

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars