Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.

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Sure I’ll come to your costume party. I’ll be a ninja. If you don’t see me then you know I took the challenge seriously


*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.


CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too


First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson.

The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.


If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…

It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!


My son didn’t call while I was on the road today so I’ll just be here in my hotel room playing ‘Cat’s in the Cradle’ on repeat.


How do you delete Facebook? I’m not talking about my account I mean the entire thing.