Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
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I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?