Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what’s more important?

Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.

Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!

Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.

“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

[at restaurant]

me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.

waiter: what can i get you?

me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh

Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”

Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.

Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*

Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!

ME: Grandma?

This is always good for a laugh.

Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING

Sharon I have some bad news

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK