Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets

Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?

Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE

Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.

everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares

dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕

My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”

You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”

If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here