Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.

“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”

~Shampoo developers probably

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

These dogs look like they have good credit.

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

Me: Do that thing I like.

Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*

Finished stitching this today 😇

Me: What is wrong with me?

Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.

Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?

JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!

ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?

Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.

Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”

Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”

Microsoft word: “eat shit!”

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”

“He was putting on airs”.

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor