Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.

Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station

Me: NO!

Him: What? I haven’t even said anything

Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to

You: 2020 couldn’t get worse

Murder Hornet: Hold my venom

The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”

Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.

Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant

Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”

DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.

ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.

DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.

Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.

nothing like a slow cooked sausage

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other