Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?

4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That’s an oddly specific question.

4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

fourth time’s the charm

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now

“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.

DAUGHTER: Chad.

ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*

My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

Me: I’m a mature adult

Also me:

Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.

Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business

The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza