COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
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In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes