Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.

Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?

Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming

MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.

Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?