Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times

Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻‍♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻

Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”

Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.

Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!

His wife: [glares at him]

Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

go easy on yourself <3

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.

Battery falling down a hole

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad

Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.

A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.

Credit: Orawan Thongchinda

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.