COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
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Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Wednesday
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus