Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
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Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face