Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us..

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

Website: Are you a robot?

Me: *sighs* Man, if only.

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.

Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s