Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*

What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?

Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more

2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!

Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.

*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”

We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.