Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
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I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
I bet birds love this building.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.