Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles

T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said

It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.

Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change

I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time

Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.

Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?

Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.

Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.

“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”

“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”

“You heard me.”

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill

A lambslide

8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]

Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.

[many decades later]

Me: Oh no.

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.

*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!

3: I wuv you Mommy.

Me: I love you too!

3: Don’t talk to me.

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.