Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6. me as a lawyer

Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”

A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”

A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years

Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?

4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.

ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?

ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along

ME: We really need you on top the horse

The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”

To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.

I don’t care what the scale says.

I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.

If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…

5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here