Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears

Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun

zookeeper: your what

Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.

Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!

My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable

if you care about the planet have unprotected sex!

Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.

love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.