Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.

“I really can’t stay“

Baby, it’s cold outside

“My Uber’s on its way”

Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?

*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*

inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”

The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah

What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT

ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!

#KarenAndTheCat 😉

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.

Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.

NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

Go to drunk, you’re bed.

Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”

me: do you sell ducks?

him: yes, but they’re going quick

me: ok I’ll take one

[later]
duck: quick
me: I see

How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.

Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight