Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
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Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
multitasking lunch
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
The best plant holders?
I hope this email finds you in a well
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement