Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.

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Dropping the shampoo bottle in the shower is the most violent sound ever. “U OK in there? Sounds like a Michael Bay film in that bathroom!”


“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums


I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display


My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….


Me: Whatcha doin?
7: a stupid math paper
Me: why stupid?
7: Sally has 3,000 pennies; really Sally? Get a debit card!


When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.


Naming your daughter after a luxury car or precious gemstone is a wager with the universe that your parenting can make her not be a stripper


I don’t post nudes cuz I don’t want to be responsible for y’alls heart failure.


CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]