Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.

the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found

*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*

pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms

Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?

Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.

8: Never mind.

I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.

8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion

To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.

Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’

Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’

Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.

If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.