Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

ME: I declare bankruptcy

CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?

“SOMEONE IS VAPING”

911: Stay calm, were tracing it

“HURRY”

911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE

“OMG”

911: GET OUT GET OUT

Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …

and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood

Amazon Prime: can I take your order

Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg

Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no

Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol

Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:

Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

i wonder why they stopped looking

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days