Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.

Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.

Her: That’s what I heard…

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

Him: What dat mouf do?

Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news

If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

the prophecies have been fulfilled

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”

The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.

Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.

which auto response should i send back to my dentist?

Mornin. * use accordingly

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks

Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second

Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.

Vegetarian? Sea kelp.

Cannibal? Seek help.

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent