Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
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Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
no way 😭
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them