Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
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Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I was under the delusion I’m normal until I learned I’m the only person who wears pants to zoom meetings.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
that de-escalated quickly
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity