Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.

My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?

Bowling Ball:

When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

[heaven]

god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.

cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish

Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?

Pringles

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

Good advice.

Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.