Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…

It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.

My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

“STOP COPYING ME!”

I yell, as my car spins out of control.

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane

Whey they go low, I go high*

*can’t bend over due to age

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart