Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.

Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times

When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”

Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”

Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?

Her: I’d love that!

Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*

I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.

9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.

The Assassin.