COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
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Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
the red hot silly peppers
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like