COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
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ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.