COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
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GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never