Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie

Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*

5: Can we play music in our room?

Me: Sure!

5: Any music?

Me: Whatever you want!

5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!

Me: Nooooooooooooo

Winnipeg!!

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?

imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now

my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job

“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working

Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

Me: have a great eye for detail

Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope

[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.

“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast

A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.