Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”

My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

TREE: omg what happened to you

LOG: i was hacked

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

Welcome to Twitter.

Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.

Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.

Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.

If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.

911 what’s the emergency?

“How do u unburn pizza?”

U burnt a pizza

“Yes”

I’ll send a squad car

“Ok will they help?”

No ur under arrest

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many

When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.

any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad

“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.

“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.

My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong

Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.

FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*

Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies

Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD