COP: Know why I stopped you?


COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

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The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.


GOD: [inventing earth] Let there be light

ANGEL: K, coolcool

GOD: [inventing lightning] Let there be murdery light

ANGEL: Uh what now


[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?


Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly


Text from two weeks ago:

Sis in law: what do you want for Christmas?

Me: Umm…

So last night, I unwrapped:



Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it


The reason I like Twitter is because the ladies on here LIKE being followed. Unlike like little miss restraining order down the street.


My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.