The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
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Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
GOD: [inventing earth] Let there be light
ANGEL: K, coolcool
GOD: [inventing lightning] Let there be murdery light
ANGEL: Uh what now
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Text from two weeks ago:
Sis in law: what do you want for Christmas?
So last night, I unwrapped:
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
The reason I like Twitter is because the ladies on here LIKE being followed. Unlike like little miss restraining order down the street.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.