COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
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when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
LOOOOOOL
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.