Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

*Telephone Rings*

Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?

Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

[first day as a psychiatrist]

PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices

ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking

Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself

Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.

Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

What should we call our new store?

“Will we sell pottery?”

No.

“Is it in a barn?”

No.

“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”

Hell, I love it Carl.

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.

Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.

Wait….making the right choices is an option?!

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

“what’s it like having a sister?”

Spanish Government: Anything further to report?

Shakira: No.

Shakira’s hips: YES!

Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

Woman love a men with good grammar

Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.

Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.