Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
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Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.
This is my bus stop.
*3.5 thank you very much.
