Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?

I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

Boy never ceases to amaze me

All generalizations are stupid.

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

Me: I wish I never had to go outside

Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things

If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”

Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.

Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device

Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?

Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN

Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.

*Day 9 of quarantine*

Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?

person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash

me: usually once

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.

meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.

“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations

“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations