Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

*looks at phone to check the time

*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours

Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.

Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had

I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.

…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???

This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”

Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze

Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School

DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.

ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work