Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
You Might Also Like
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
“Worm Regards”
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*