Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.

So I get it, squirrels. I get it.

I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.

[outside of bank]

Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!

Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!

Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.

ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear

*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*

ATTENBOROUGH: What the-

WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon

hmm conte-me mais

Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.

Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.

Suburban life is a roller coaster.

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore

My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry