Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
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I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
step 6: release the wall snake
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes