Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
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[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
[unwrapping gift] oh wow, an item. I love these
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35