Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

Lingerie.

…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):

– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!

Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)

My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

My back has gone out more than I have this year.

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

Me: Now do you believe me?

Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.

Me: Then who made all that ice?

Wife: *walks away*

Me: WHO?!

[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*

FRIEND: Is that… pudding?