Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.

Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

Found a free bandaid at the pool.

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.

this could fix me

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.

instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave

me: oui chef

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night

TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how

ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]

ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]

ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-

ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?

“Shit… Was it the treason?”

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.

Bank: your credit card payment is late

Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate

Bank: what

Me: nothing what do I owe

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?