Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
You Might Also Like
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Sunday
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice