Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

[in my bedroom]

Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*

Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?

Me: I just told you

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?

You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no

“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”

– 11yo, not wrong

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

@funTweeters

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian

You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing

“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh

In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.

Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples