Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes

My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.

Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD

Me: omg okay

[45 minutes into our walk]

Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM

Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria

Normal stickers: I peel off easy.

Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.

Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]

I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.

She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?