Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.

wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”

Xylophonist Shredding It

Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while

The best shot in the history of golf

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

[Party]

Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody

Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

Sharon I have some bad news

Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”

My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

[first date]

her: Tell me a little bit about yourself

me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?

her: umm

ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?

WIFE: Inverted?

ME: No, in English Sharon.