Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
You Might Also Like
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Ghost costume 😂
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean