Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out

Iron Man: *eats chips*

Ant Man: *eats microchips*

[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).

Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading

Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.

Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

me: push!

wife: [in labor] I AM

me: push harder!!

wife: I CAN’T

me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull

he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed

Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville

If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it