Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

him: I’m gonna kill you

me: oh no

him: with kindness

me: awww

him: kindness is my pet wolf

me: oh no again

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height

me: yeah no need to add too much info!

girl: ok but how tall are you?

me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”

Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock

can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.

Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.