Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

BABY GOT BACKYARD

Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!

*opens bag of chips*

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

[Father’s Day]

ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…

DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”

I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.

Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship

I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

Me: Did you cheat?

Wife: Haha yes, what about you?

Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?

Wife: Had sex with Dave

Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

Friend: What’s the consequence for bigamy? Me: You have to visit TWO sets of inlaws over the holidays

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness

– Romayo and Juliet

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!