Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…

…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

[First date]

DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.

ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.

DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?

ME: It’s not my arm.

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me

NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.

Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, it’s expected.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙‍♀️

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

nyc:

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

1995: oh cool, an online book store

2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando