Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone

Not to date myself, but nobody else will.

He has no idea 🤡

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

Don’t leave me alone.

Alone: I have a boyfriend.

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: weird but ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello soda

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too