Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.

Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time

that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.

Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

God: you’re a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: w-what was that?

Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.

God: a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: that’s like super annoying.

Baby Shark: hee hee.

God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.

4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice

funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷‍♀️

I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.

[blind date]

Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?

Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

95% of dentists recommend teeth.

*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*

“This is just ridiculous”

Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.

My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.

School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”

I am embarrassed for myself.

*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.