Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house

Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.

When someone asks if I have any hobbies

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

So can we start calling them Traylor now?

Of course I stay hydrated.

Carbohydrated

I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break

My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school

My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭

Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.

-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?

-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.

Every house has this drawer

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho

Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen